Claudia's not going to tell me how old a building is, but she will point out where the chain saw scene in Scarface was shot and where TV's Miami Ink is filmed. And, by the way, don't ask for a little butterfly tattoo at the base of the back, or you'll be loudly ridiculed.

She tells me which salsa dancer to say hello to, and where to turn left toward Washington Avenue. And she mentions right away that you have to be 21 to take this tour. Cool.

But Claudia wasn't actually there with me, walking down Ocean, although her words were guiding me every step of the way.

Claudia was in my iPod, and I was taking her one-hour iPod Miami Beach tour. I didn't have to stop every 100 feet to read a guidebook and check out a map. I had Claudia. Her enthusiasm on the recorded tour was contagious, and I was soon checking out the beach scene as if I were with Claudia herself:

"Bienvenidos, chicos! Welcome to South Beach, the American Riviera. You see the turquoise benches over there, the three seats to the right of the public shower? Walk over to the benches. Sit down, let's take a minute to get to know each other."

Three guys selling coconuts with straws were sitting on Claudia's benches, but I found another turquoise bench across the sidewalk.

"South Beach is really my back yard, it's my home, my playground. I'll give you the inside scoop and introduce you to some of my friends. Believe me, to be part of the scene around here, you'll need some connections,'' she says, then adds, "I need you to look really good, not all touristy."

Good idea, and I pressed pause on the iPod to put on more lip gloss. Who knew when Matt Damon and Ben Affleck might show up as they did the last time I was here.

"Put on your sunglasses and loosen up." Check.

"Lean back." Check.

"Don't be so uptight, and people will notice you." Always good advice.

I looked around and noticed all the people in hot shades noticing all the other people.

"Oh, that guy's ...hot!" she squealed in my ear.

Really, I thought, looking at the guy in the shower rinsing sand off his back. Claudia should have then said, "Look out!" because I was almost run over by a skinny model on a turquoise bike.

"Stand up straight, and walk straight ahead toward the volleyball courts, turn left here. Take it all in, look around - the ocean breezes, the palm trees and the buff bodies all around you."

1. Public shower and park at Seventh Street and Ocean Drive.

Tour starts here: 'Walk along world-famous Ocean Drive, the capital of sexy.'

2. Above Johnny Rocket's, 728 Ocean Drive.

'In 1983, Hollywood introduced a young Cuban immigrant named Tony Montana; you know him as Scarface. Look at the second floor ... where Tony Montana's brother met his demise.'

3. Wet Willie's, 760 Ocean Drive.

'This place began with two guys who had a dream - to sell frozen drinks on a nude beach.'

4. News Cafe, 800 Ocean Drive.

'Celeb sightings aren't on the menu but that's what everybody comes here for.'

5. Mango's Tropical Cafe, 900 Ocean Drive.

'Come to see the sexy dancers.'

6. Clock Tower, next to the Art Deco Visitor Center, 1001 Ocean Drive.

Because 'a lot of poeple lose track of time in South Beach.'

7. The Clevelander, 1020 Ocean Drive.

'Every Saturday is Splash Saturday, a big pool party.'

8. Versace Mansion, 1116 Ocean Drive.

'You can stay here... The cost - a mere $5,000 a night.'

9. Hotel Victor, 1144 Ocean Drive.

'One of the newest and sexiest additions to South Beach.'

10. The Tides, 1220 Ocean Drive.

'You have to have one of their signature popsicle martinis. Yummy.'

11. The Carlyle, 1250 Ocean Drive.

'Where the world met Sonny Crockett in the first episode of Miami Vice.'

12. World Erotic Art Museum, 1205 Washington Ave.

'Erotic art is art.'

13. Mansion Nightclub, 1235 Washington Ave.

'Unless you have two babes, one in each arm, you're not getting in.'

14. The Post Office, 1300 Washington Ave.

Next door to Miami Ink location.

15. Clay Hotel, Espanola Way.

'Like you've crossed the border into a little barrio in South America.'

16. Mojitos Lounge, 412 Espanola Way.

'You can't walk away without having a mojito.'